Words – Original Song by Mia Savant


This new song has been simultaneously the easiest and yet most difficult to create. The meaning of the song is so deeply personal to me that It was a struggle to get it just right.

Most of the abuse that I have encountered in my life was not obvious abuse. A good portion of it was subtle and quiet. So subtle at times that it was masked as helpfulness or love. It didn’t make me hate my abusers, but rather, they made me hate myself. Their soft, seemingly insignificant words lingered in my head and created a self-deprecating dialog. Cruel words that I would never tell another person in a million years became my personal mantra. I believed any insult given to me as valid. Feeling “less than” was not just a moment, but a state of being. Finding my flaws in any given situation was my superpower, and the only thing I could feel confident about.

When I went on my journey to break free of abuse, it took me a long time to realize that it was so much more than physically separating myself from abusers, because I was now a victim of my own mind. They didn’t need to be around anymore because their damaging words floated in my head with each and every new moment I encountered. I was just as tormented as I was before because I had become the words that I hated so much. I loathed the self-loathing, but it was now fully embedded in my programing that there was no me without it. So, the very nature of pursuing freedom was a painful deconstruction, because these pillars of myself, even if I could destroy them, had to be replaced. This posed a new problem of finding what to replace it with. It was an internal war, and at times, an external one with the people who either didn’t understand or continued to abuse me.

Over time, as I grew in emotional strength, I became something different. I recreated myself, rather than being the person that was imposed upon me. The effects of abuse that had my own mind attacking itself no longer imprisoned me. It’s not that the words went away completely, but rather, when they do come up, I now know how to fight them. Learning those tools and skills have been essential to finding real peace in my heart.

This song is about this battle that’s been inside me for so long. It was the war against myself long after the war with others was over. It has taken a long time and a lot of hard work to even be able to have the courage to write it and share it.

Thank you for listening, and I want to encourage you if you struggle with self-deprecation as result of abuse, to challenge it and fight it. Don’t accept it as life, but rather make your own journey of finding your own strength.

-Mia Savant


Lyrics:

How do I let go

Of these words

I swear they’ve burned

Into my skull

I’ve etched them so deeply

In the walls of my heart

Maybe I don’t want to part

With them at all

I am no one

I am nothing

I am inadequate

I bring nothing but

Embarrassment

To me….

How do I strip

Away

These words

Of hate

I can’t shake this feeling

That I don’t belong

And that I’m always wrong

No matter what

How I long to be free

Wish that I

Could accept me unconditionally

But I just can’t

It’s so much more than I’m not enough

It’s that every act is wasted breath

Oh, this badge of honor, posed humility

Is a twisted mask of a bully

Starring me…..

How do I strip

Away

These words

Of hate

I will

Break

My own bones

My own bones

and

I will

Create

My own form

My own form

cuz

I will strip away

These words

These words

Of hate

This Year – A Christmas Song

How is your Christmas going? Are you feeling in the spirit? Are you feeling very non-Christmasy and can’t wait to open presents and be done?

Whatever you are feeling, I hope you at the very least are surrounded by people who get you, and you feel supported by.

Most years I am very delayed in getting into the Christmas spirit. It usually turns out to be more of a mad dash the week or two before when the Christmas lightbulb finally goes off in my head.

This year I have been much less of a grinch about it and embraced the season as soon as Thanksgiving came to a close. I must say, it’s been much more peaceful. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not any further ahead in my preparations, it’s still a mad dash. But mentally I feel like I’ve had more of a seasonal experience.

I think holidays are difficult to enjoy for a lot of us because of the expectations it brings. The expectation to be happy, to feel like the difficulties in life should somehow not exist right now. Expectations that things should be a certain way or have a certain feel.

I decided I wanted to write a Christmas song, but one with the reality of the full scope of life. Still hopeful, still striving for all the goodness that we want to get out of celebrating the joy of life, but one that speaks to those of us who can’t focus solely on the cheeriness.

So, to those who need this right now, I hope you enjoy my new song, ‘This Year’:

Existential Ponders – Kaci Skiles Laws

Artist:

Kaci Skiles Laws is a writer and artist living in Dallas—Fort Worth. Her work has been featured in The Letters Page, at Bewildering Stories, 50 Haikus, Former People, and is upcoming in The American Journal of Poetry and a few others. She won an award for her poem, This is How it Ends, by NCTC’s English Department and is currently working on a children’s book called The Boogerman. Some of her and her husband’s visual artwork can be viewed on their YouTube channel listed under Kaci and Bryant.

The Art of Depression: Acoustic Librarian

Artist:

Acoustic Librarian is a songwriter, open mic performer and technology librarian. He lives in Orange County with his wife and their two cats.

Mirrors

Lyrics

Many a mile I’ve wandered

Through this house of mirrors,

Searching to find a way out,

Knowing my home isn’t here.


Amid the smoke that surrounds me,

Faces appear in the glass;

Are they long-sought fellow travelers

Or reflections of self that flow past?


Still I desire perfection

In a world distorted and crazed,

To discern beyond all illusion

The meaning of this maze.


Guide my paths to what’s real,

For glimpses are all I can see;

And make my image more truly

That which You meant it to be.


Oh Lord, this day, these things I pray.

Oh Lord, this day, these things I pray.

Oh Lord, this day, these things I pray.


I plunge down slides, then start to climb

Towards heights that seem out of reach;

Pass through tunnels that move and spin

On floors that shift under my feet.


I enter a room full of blackness,

A spotlight shines in my face.

Do I hear whispered laughter

Or murmurs of welcome and grace?


Can I recall the reflection

That shown when the glass was clear?

Do I believe in perfect love

That casts out all of my fear?


Guide me towards others who walk this path,

For glimpses I’m starting to see;

And make our images truly

That which You meant them to be.


Oh Lord, this day, these things I pray.

Oh Lord, this day, these things I pray.

Dear Lord, this day, these things I pray.

The Art of Depression: Jack Droppers and the Best Intentions

Artist:

Jack Droppers and the Best Intentions

About the Piece:

Jack Droppers was diagnosed with depression a few years ago and said this song is an attempt to come to grips with the fact that depression won’t necessarily make him a better writer but it also isn’t completely bad either.

All the Same To Me Now

Lyrics:

All the Same To Me Now

I thought I’d enjoy the sadness

But It just disappointed me

Like a “get well soon” dollar store balloon

That went and flew into the sea

depression taught me a lesson

Like the ocean learns the moon

I try and behave as I wrestle with the waves

But the tide pulls be back toward you

Whether I’m staring at the heavens

Or I’m staring at the ground

Whenever I’m wonderin’

What this life is all about

Cause all of my beliefs still feel like doubts

But it’s all the same to me now

Sittin’ in the backseat

of a three row minivan

You were thumbing through your journals

of all your adolescent plans

you were gonna move to Nashville

with all the boys in the band

you were gonna write that single

get you up on the grandstand

now you’re living with the things

that you could’ve lived without

if only you had spent your 20’s

acting a little more devout

cause time only moves as fast as God allows

but it’s all the same to me now

like you’re trying to separate the shade from the clouds

or a child who lost her mother in a crowd

to those secret things we’ll never say out loud

to these prayers that still carry me around

they’re all the same to me now

The Art of Depression: Kaci Skiles Laws

Artist:

Kaci Skiles Laws is a writer and artist living in Dallas—Fort Worth. Her work has been featured in The Letters Page, at Bewildering Stories, on Poetry Circle, and is upcoming in 50 Haikus, The American Journal of Poetry, The Bollman Bridge Review, and Sub Rosa Zine. She recently won an award for her poem, This is How it Ends, by NCTC’s English Department and is currently working on a children’s book called The Boogerman.

Writer’s Block

The Art of Depression: A Mini-Series/Artist Lineup

Hello Ponderbots! Boy, oh boy, do I have the lineup of artists for you this month!

This series will be including work from different parts of the world coming together to present their art. Each one will be reflecting different aspects and viewpoints of depression.

Keep an eye out for these artists:

anonYmous – July 15th

Kelly Berry – July 15th

Danni Blackman– July 16th

James Pompey – July 16th

Heather Pease – July 17th

Saoirse Love – July 17th

Jack Freedman – July 18th

Kaci Skiles – July 18th

Rachel Cunniffe – July 19th

Lindsey McAdams – July 19th

Jack Droppers & the Best Intentions– July 20th

Carl Scharwath/Jennifer Link – July 20th

Amirah Al Wassif – July 21st

Suman Kabiraj – July 21st

CL Bledsoe/Tony Mancus – July 22nd

Ann Privateer – July 22nd

Mark Blickley/Amy Bassin – July 23rd   

Jennifer Carr – July 23rd  

Alexandria Drouin – July 24th

Kelsey Bryan-Zwick – July 24th

Meg Smith – July 25th

David Estringel – July 25th

Dylan Newitt Allen – July 26th

Adebisi Amori – July 26th

Chella Courington – July 27th

Lauren Scharhag – July 27th

Acoustic Librarian – July 28th

Young Toledo – July 28th

Andrew Wetmore – July 29th

Kirsty Niven – July 29th

Marc Cid – July 30th

Evan Hall – July 30th   

Shannon Light – July 31st

Karly Robinson – July 31st