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This new song has been simultaneously the easiest and yet most difficult to create. The meaning of the song is so deeply personal to me that It was a struggle to get it just right.

Most of the abuse that I have encountered in my life was not obvious abuse. A good portion of it was subtle and quiet. So subtle at times that it was masked as helpfulness or love. It didn’t make me hate my abusers, but rather, they made me hate myself. Their soft, seemingly insignificant words lingered in my head and created a self-deprecating dialog. Cruel words that I would never tell another person in a million years became my personal mantra. I believed any insult given to me as valid. Feeling “less than” was not just a moment, but a state of being. Finding my flaws in any given situation was my superpower, and the only thing I could feel confident about.

When I went on my journey to break free of abuse, it took me a long time to realize that it was so much more than physically separating myself from abusers, because I was now a victim of my own mind. They didn’t need to be around anymore because their damaging words floated in my head with each and every new moment I encountered. I was just as tormented as I was before because I had become the words that I hated so much. I loathed the self-loathing, but it was now fully embedded in my programing that there was no me without it. So, the very nature of pursuing freedom was a painful deconstruction, because these pillars of myself, even if I could destroy them, had to be replaced. This posed a new problem of finding what to replace it with. It was an internal war, and at times, an external one with the people who either didn’t understand or continued to abuse me.

Over time, as I grew in emotional strength, I became something different. I recreated myself, rather than being the person that was imposed upon me. The effects of abuse that had my own mind attacking itself no longer imprisoned me. It’s not that the words went away completely, but rather, when they do come up, I now know how to fight them. Learning those tools and skills have been essential to finding real peace in my heart.

This song is about this battle that’s been inside me for so long. It was the war against myself long after the war with others was over. It has taken a long time and a lot of hard work to even be able to have the courage to write it and share it.

Thank you for listening, and I want to encourage you if you struggle with self-deprecation as result of abuse, to challenge it and fight it. Don’t accept it as life, but rather make your own journey of finding your own strength.

-Mia Savant

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Lyrics:

How do I let go

Of these words

I swear they’ve burned

Into my skull

I’ve etched them so deeply

In the walls of my heart

Maybe I don’t want to part

With them at all

I am no one

I am nothing

I am inadequate

I bring nothing but

Embarrassment

To me….

How do I strip

Away

These words

Of hate

I can’t shake this feeling

That I don’t belong

And that I’m always wrong

No matter what

How I long to be free

Wish that I

Could accept me unconditionally

But I just can’t

It’s so much more than I’m not enough

It’s that every act is wasted breath

Oh, this badge of honor, posed humility

Is a twisted mask of a bully

Starring me…..

How do I strip

Away

These words

Of hate

I will

Break

My own bones

My own bones

and

I will

Create

My own form

My own form

cuz

I will strip away

These words

These words

Of hate